my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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