I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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