Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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