look no pants
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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