Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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