Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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