Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
