I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize