if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
