She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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