Girls should come with a carfax report
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
