I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
