It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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