We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
