well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Can I color on your dick again?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize