just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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