i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
