dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
