This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
