dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
