I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
