Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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