Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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