My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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