even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
