the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
