u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
