Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
