I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
