she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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