i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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