I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
