Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
