apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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