My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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