I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
