sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
