3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
where are you?
Hypothermia
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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