umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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