I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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