I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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