If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
