You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
