he told me I talked like a deaf person
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize