When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
