Just cropdusted the office
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
