you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
