I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
