Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
