Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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