i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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