if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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