Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
