I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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