Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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