Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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