I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
