i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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