6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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