Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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