i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
