I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
