Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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